I first posted this on my WordPress blog. At the time I had the intentions of keeping my blog anon, so I picked a name that no one would guess, & doesn't really suit me. Well, it suits me, but not the theme. That was a year ago. So much has changed! I've gone back & put in names, but kept it pretty much as it was last August. The original was here: http://findingmyselfthroughwords.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/more-about-me/
For the most part, my life started with my children. Isn't it funny how that works? If you don't have children, I guess it's very hard to understand that, but my life revolves around them. No, I don't mean that I don't have time to have a life, or they hog all my free time. That's a typical response that I've gotten. I mean, I wasn't complete until I had them. They can drive me crazy, they can even make me happy that I'm not capable of murder. They may talk too much. But my heart aches for them when I'm not with them, and when they're so sweet, and cuddly or lovey I feel like my heart is melting from happiness. In truth, I don't really feel like I NEED anything else but God and my children. Not to say that there haven't been dark times...
My oldest child, Ashley, is 14, my middle, Emily, is 7 and my youngest, Zachary, is 6. When my middle child was born all hell broke loose for us. Eventually I ended up in a deep depression. The funny thing about depression is that you may not even realize you're depressed until you come out of it. That's me. I don't know how long it lasted, I don't remember a few years at all. It's sad that I can't really recall my baby as a baby. The few things that I remember are that I couldn't take the 2 babies anywhere without Emily screaming, which would start Zachy crying. Emily cried a LOT. She also didn't sleep. She slept through the night way after he did, and she was the older one. I don't think she slept through until after age 3.
We're still trying to figure out when it started, but somewhere along the line she ended up with arthritis. She has Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. Her disease is crazy. She has crazy symptoms, she has crazy side effects, and crazy associated diseases. Her hands and feet turn purple when she gets cold. She gets cold a lot. She gets crazy rashes. Parts of her body may swell at any time. Once, her feet swelled up so badly that she couldn't walk. There was a spot on her heel, and one on each foot on the ball of the foot. It didn't look like they were on the jointed areas. We were told it was from her Raynaud's, which is what makes her turn purple. As a parent, when your children get the flu or an ear infection you want only to take it away from them. Try this: your child can't move her fingers and her elbow, she can't get out of bed, she can't walk without limping, and she can't hold a pencil. Think about her crying because she so wants to play... but she can't. She's in too much pain. Imagine your child in so much pain that it changes her whole personality. Imagine your child being diagnosed as mildly autistic only to find that her whole being is a result of pain. She was scared of everything, didn't want to be touched, and she would flip out over the smallest things. Since she's been on Enbrel she's gotten much, much better. When she started on medicine after her official diagnosis we had to get to know her all over again. We had a really hard first few months trying to figure her out when she was a different child every week. I think that God made Enbrel. Enbrel is a miracle. And God gave us magnet therapy. I don't care how many people claim it doesn't work. I have a 7 yr old that swears by them.
We have so many medical events that just happen that I have stopped making plans. Whenever I make a plan something goes terribly wrong. Zachary breaks an arm, Em's feet swell up, the kids get swine flu, etc... People often don't understand. I praise God, and feel so blessed that arthritis isn't leukemia, that my kids aren't fighting for their lives or terminal. Yeah, we have a LOT go wrong. But we have a lot of blessings! We are together! Our home boasts a Mommy and a Daddy! And we get along! We even like each other! No, we don't have it easy. Does anyone? I doubt it. I can't say that I love my life, but I'm happy. I get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home to make dinner and clean up, and get ready for bed. We don't go anywhere, we can't afford anything anymore with all of the medical bills. Hell, we can't afford our bills! But it's ok. I have God to guide me, and I have a lot of love. Which is where this blog comes in. There are days where I am discouraged. It's hard not to be when things keep going wrong, but I don't like to complain. Now I don't have to! I can just write it, and I'll feel better. There are days when I'm on top of the world, where maybe I come to a conclusion or two that I don't think other people will understand. Now I have an outlet. See the trend? It's a beautiful thing :)
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